I remember it was late 2015 and my life was really in transition. I just finished grad school and was trying to determine my next move. I sacrifice a lot being in grad school, and one of those things was my relationship with God. I could feel that my spiritual relationship had changed. I was not so hungry or as on fire for God as I once was. I attended church, but I wasn’t feeling connected. I would pray but it was the same old script with no real purpose behind it. I had become lukewarm.

I knew that my life needed a transition. I prayed to God and ask him for a couple of things:

1. I wanted to start a family with my husband
2. I wanted him to reveal to me who I am, and to strengthen my heart toward him
3. Renew the fire and passion in me

A month later, I was pregnant. I was excited but afraid. I was afraid of miscarrying, and the fear almost paralyzed me, and took away my joy. I began to see that while pregnant, I was a control freak. I had spent the majority of last year or so, thinking I was in control and called the shots in my life. Nonetheless, being pregnant was something I had never experienced before, and I had no control over the situation. God began to show me that I relied more on myself than him, and when I couldn’t control a situation, fear and anxiety ruled over. I would often be reminded of Philippians 4:6-7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

However, because my relationship with God wasn’t strong, the reciting of the scripture didn’t bring me as much solace, because I still wanted to control the situation. I had to study and seek the face of God first. I had to surrender my life and everything in it to his control.

By the end of my first trimester, I was getting back on track, and I thought the lesson was done. Little did I know this was just the beginning. The more that I seek God and petition the heavens to mold me, the more I made the enemy angry. In the words of Luke 22, the enemy desired to shift me as wheat. He wanted to show me more than anyone else who I wasn’t so that I couldn’t become who I am destined to be. The enemy had declared war………

I know that God hears. Jeremiah 29:13 explains the first lesson that this journey taught me

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

This is how my son Jeremiah-Mark got his name because through carrying him I found God in so many ways. Always know that God hears your every prayer, moan, and groan. When you seek him he will always show up even if it’s in a way you had not imagined

Still learning NICU lessons,

Felicia Smith